


I’ve Been Careless With a Delicate Man

by Paraxdisepink



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Caretaking, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Time, M/M, Misunderstandings, Slow Dancing, Virgin Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 09:59:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1144642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paraxdisepink/pseuds/Paraxdisepink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve lets SHIELD think he and Bucky were boyfriends so they’ll let him see the Winter Soldier in medical.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’ve Been Careless With a Delicate Man

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mwestbelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mwestbelle/gifts).



> I do not take credit for the plot. That was all Mwestbelle. 
> 
> For those of you unfamiliar with the comics, Steve gives Bucky his memories back by using the Cosmic Cube on him. Bucky has the breakdown you would expect, crushes it in his hand, and vanishes for a bit. Everybody tells Steve he’s probably dead blah blah. We’re just going to pretend he didn’t vanish.

"I want to see him."

Steve has a good three inches and half again the muscle mass on the guard blocking access to the infirmary's ICU. He draws himself up to make the most of it, but the guard shakes his head.

"Rules are rules, Rogers." He's annoyed by the number of times he's had to repeat himself and the word 'compassion' doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary.

"Five minutes." Steve is angry enough to push past him, but he's trying not to blame a man for simply doing his job.

The guard folds his arms, leaning against the doorway, staunchly refusing to be intimidated by Steve's size or the uniform. "How many times do I have to tell you no? I'll say it again." He makes sure to enunciate. "No."

A short, balding man in a white lab coat peeks his head out from the blue curtain drawn around Bucky's bed—the head of the team of doctors who came running the second they brought Bucky off the quinjet. He sees Steve and comes over.

"Is there a problem?" It's directed at the guard.

He scowls. " _Yes._ Cap is demanding to see that fucking psycho. I told him he can't."

Blood boiling, Steve advances on him. "That's a decorated American soldier you're talking about. I'd show a little more respect." His fist is clenched, but Steve knows punching the guy won't solve anything, just like he knows Bucky has left a lot of death and anger in his wake. Steve turns to the doctor. "Five minutes. That's all I'm asking. I just want to see my friend."

The doctor sighs. "I'm afraid SHIELD policy applies to you the same as everyone else. Only family and spouses or partners designated in your personnel files are allowed in the ICU."

He and Bucky might not be related by blood, but Steve dares anyone to suggest they aren't family. "I'm designating him now. There wasn't much point when I thought he was dead. Now let me see him. No one's breaking the rules." If this doctor really needs proof, he can dig through the old SSR files where Bucky is listed as his next of kin.

Both the doctor and the guard stare at him with the same scandalized shock. It sets Steve's blood boiling all over again. What did they expect him to do? Deny how close he and Bucky were because it might prove inconvenient for Captain America now? 

The doctor recovers himself, yet still looks as though he can't believe what he heard. "Five minutes, Captain. But if your record isn't updated the next time you ask, I'm not letting you in here again."

**

A nurse finishes connecting another bag of fluids to Bucky's IV. 

"Can he hear me?"

Bucky's lying on his side, hooked up to various monitors that beep in a rhythm Steve already can't stand. The SHIELD doctors claim the explosion of energy that hit Bucky in that grueling moment when he crushed the Cube in his fist to make the memories stop was too much for a human body. Tests show he has a version of the serum, but they can't promise Bucky will wake up or what he'll be like if he does. 

The look on the nurse's face is all pity—for Steve. "No one knows."

Steve stands over the bed with a lump in his throat. Once again, this is all his fault. All he wanted was to save him. "Is he in pain? From the radiation?"

"We don't know that either." The nurse clips the bag in place and turns to go. "They say it helps if you hold the person's hand and talk to them. Hearing is the first sense we regain and the last one we lose."

Steve knows this from when they brought him out of the ice. He doesn't want Bucky to wake alone, confused and disoriented the way he did. Bucky's been through enough.

The nurse leaves and Steve takes Bucky's hand. Not the cold piece of machinery the Russians gave him in place of his missing arm, but the real one, the one Steve remembers brushing just for a heartbeat before Bucky fell away. Steve grips his hand tight now as if that could change the past. Bucky's fingers are warm and they squeeze back instantly, but Steve is sure it's just a reflex.

"Hey, Buck," he chokes out anyway, in case he can hear him, and without letting go of him, pulls up the stool by the bed.

**

Steve doesn't know who alerted Fury, but he's a storm ready to break when Steve's five minutes are up. One look at his face, and the nurses and aids on duty suddenly find their computer screens and piles of disposable bed linens too fascinating to look away from. 

"You want to join me for a little chat in my office, Rogers?" 

Steve stiffens, but lets himself be hauled off without incident. He got his five minutes. The least he can do is show some respect for the other patients by taking the inevitable argument elsewhere. 

He's marched in angry silence down the hall and into the elevator. Fury doesn't say a word until he slams the door of his office behind them and barks, "Sit." 

Steve sits, shoulders squared, defensive. He had every right to see Bucky.

"You care to explain to me why you neglected to mention the nature of your relationship with the god damn Winter Soldier?"

Steve's chin comes up. "It's been common knowledge since the war that Sergeant Barnes and I were close. Close as brothers, sir." He can't understand why this is so shocking. 

Fury barely hangs on to his patience. "Don't play the stupid ass boy scout with me. I don't know how they did things in your day, but I don't fuck my brother, Rogers."

Steve's mouth falls open. Who said anything about-?

"This is the _Winter Soldier_ we're talking about now," Fury goes on, "not just the guy you grew up with, so you'd better come straight with me—pardon the phrase."

Steve is still busy trying to wrap his head around where Fury got the idea he and Bucky were lovers. He has to remind himself it's not an insult anymore, just a misunderstanding. 

"Sir, I don't know-"

"You'd better know," Fury snaps. "You want to see him, you'd better tell me what's going on."

He does want to see him. He thought Bucky was dead. Steve doesn't understand why everyone has jumped to this conclusion instead of what he meant, but if it gets him what he wants, what does it matter what anyone thinks? They won't let him in to see Bucky otherwise.

Vindicated in the lie, Steve draws himself up straighter. "It's just like I told the doctor. I saw no point in disclosing our relationship in my records when I thought Bucky was gone, and I don't see what my romantic life has to do with the job. But the truth is, we've loved each other for a long time and I would like to exercise my right to be at his side."

Every word is true. It's not Steve's fault the modern world has its mind in the gutter and wants to twist the meaning.

Fury takes a deep breath. "Fine. You can see your boyfriend. But until Barnes wakes up— _if_ Barnes wakes up—you get nothing else without his signed consent. No medical information. Nothing. We need the man in that hospital bed to trust us, so we're not going to put a foot wrong."

**

Steve thought the 'revelation' of Captain America and Bucky Barnes as lovers would be too uncomfortable for anyone to want to openly acknowledge. Yet to his surprise, the medical staff is overly casual about it. 

They bring Steve soap and water so he can wash the black paint from around Bucky's eyes. They bring him a comb so he can work the knots out of his too-long hair and a razor and cream so he can shave him. Steve leaves the scruff. That, at least, feels familiar.

One of the nurses sees him fixing Bucky's hair and picks up a strand falling forward around his face. She twirls it around her finger where it curls at the end. 

"He has nice hair. I bet you miss running your fingers through it. It must have been hard for you guys, back then. "

Steve tries not to feel too guilty about getting sympathy for a lie.

"You can cuddle up to him if you want," the nurse goes on. "Just watch the connections for the monitors."

He looks at Bucky, facing away from him. If he wants to be allowed in here, Steve knows he has to be convincing. "Thank you, ma'am," he mutters and slides onto the bed once she leaves. He doesn't do much but curl around Bucky and let his arm drape across his stomach. It's nothing he didn't do on occasion when he was small and the nights were cold, but there's a raw lump in Steve's throat, feeling Bucky breathe against him now, and not enough words to say how sorry he is.

His cheek rests against the back of Bucky's shoulder and words find their way out of him. Steve rambles about the past, and "remember that time you got so drunk I thought you were comatose because you wouldn't move no matter how hard I shook you?" The lump in his throat starts to burn and the memory couldn't be any less funny. "Please wake up, Buck. I can't lose you all over again."

Warm fingers curl around his over Bucky's stomach. Steve's eyes water. People have told him several times now it's a reflex, but he squeezes back anyway.

"Come on, Bucky. You've gotta be in th-"

Bucky's lashes flutter, thick and dark against his pale cheek. His body tightens against Steve's and his lips move. 

"Buck?" Steve sits up to look at him.

Bucky's eyelids twitch at the sound of his name. Then his eyes open.

"Bucky...?" Steve's heart starts to pound.

His lips move again, like he can't remember how to form words. "Steve...?" It's slurred and faint, but unmistakable.

Steve leans closer in case Bucky's vision is blurry. He can't keep from smiling that Bucky's awake and he remembers him. "It's me. It's Steve." Bucky just stares. Steve hops off the bed. "I'll get the doctors."

He practically skips, but when he comes back with help, Bucky has slipped into unconsciousness again.

**

He wakes up again the next day for a full four minutes, long enough for Steve to explain to Bucky where he is, that he's safe in American hands again, and that it's 2014. 

**

The doctors tell Steve coming out of a coma doesn't happen all at once. The next day Bucky's awake long enough for Steve to tell him the story of his plane crash and how he ended up in the future. The day after that, Bucky's quiet and pulls his hand away when Steve tries to hold it. He stares at the metal one and asks if everything he remembers is real, if he killed all those people.

"They reprogrammed your mind," Steve tells him. "You don't need to think about it right now."

Bucky bites his lip, and after a long, heavy silence turns to him, features hard with determination. "Did you take down the people who did it?"

"Some of them."

"I wanna do it." Bucky's voice is like sandpaper, but there's steel underneath. "I want in with these SHIELD people."

It's not what Steve wants to hear, but doesn't argue, not when revenge is motivation for Bucky to want to get better.

**

Steve thinks he should feel guiltier about how well his white lie is working out. His communication device alerts him every time Bucky wakes. He's free to visit any time, and when Bucky comes out of his coma completely and they move him to a regular room in the infirmary, it's taken for granted Steve will want to spend as much time there as he can.

They bring him an extra cot to stay the night. The only downside is a lecture from one of the doctor that makes the room embarrassingly warm.

"It'll take him some time to get his strength back, Captain. Destroying the Cube should have killed him. You'll have to let him get plenty of rest. That means no sexual activity or aggressive kissing or touching. Are we clear?"

Face red, Steve nods. 

Groggy as he is, Bucky has trouble holding in his laughter. It has a hollow sound to it.

When the doctor goes, he turns to Steve. "Why's he think we're gonna start kissing and going at it?"

Steve takes a nervous breath. He hadn't really thought ahead to this part. The last thing he wants is for Bucky to be angry at him for letting all of SHIELD think he's queer. Bucky has enough reasons to hate him. 

"Uh... SHIELD policy dictates only family and significant others can visit patients in intensive care. I told them I was your significant other. I'm willing to tell them it was only wishful thinking on my part if you don't want-"

"No." Bucky cuts him off far too quickly and with more force than Steve thought he had in him at the moment. "No. It's all right. I... You don't have to tell them anything."

He holds out his hand. Relieved Bucky isn't furious, Steve takes it and gives it a squeeze. Bucky must be desperate not to be left alone right now. Who could blame him after what he's been through?

"They're going to make you sign a form."

"I can do that." Bucky finds the strength for one of his dazzling smiles. It warms the room up, and Steve is just glad he still knows how to smile.

"All right, then. I'll just sit here and try to keep my hands off you."

Bucky's smile turns into a smirk and he winks at him, "Better dames than you have tried and failed."

**

Steve is instructed to help Bucky take short walks down the halls of the infirmary several times a day. Nurses orders are to hold onto him and take it slow, that even though Bucky was only comatose for a few days, his brain needs time to relearn basic skills and his body needs help regaining its strength after the blast. Steve is expected to help feed and dress him too while Bucky's coordination is wobbly, and to stay inside the bathroom while he showers in case he faints.

SHIELD evidently wants to win Bucky over so badly they would probably instruct Steve to rub his feet and fluff his pillows if they weren't afraid the two of them would get too excited.

Bucky does almost faint once. He comes stumbling out of the shower stall in time for Steve to catch him naked in his arms. He lowers Bucky to the floor and they sit for a few minutes until Bucky can see again.

It's hardly the time to be impressed by how defined the muscles of his abs and shoulders are as the water trickles down his skin.

"Um..." Bucky rests his head against the wall, embarrassed. "I'm going to pretend that was my body's way of saying 'take me now'."

Steve gets him a towel to cover himself and opens the door to let cold air in, smiling.

"That's sweet talk, Buck, but I think you've got a ways to go. Wouldn't want to be too much for you to handle."

A nurse appears in the doorway. "Everything all right in here?"

"Everything's fine, ma'am." Thinking fast, Steve pulls Bucky close and kisses his warm, wet cheek. "I was just about to put Bucky Ducky to bed before he breaks a bone."

He expects a glare from Bucky for overdoing it, but all Steve gets is a big half-dazed grin.

**

Short walks turn into longer ones down the halls of SHIELD. Steve supports Bucky with an arm around him and Bucky holds onto him when he doesn't trust his legs to hold him up anymore. The press of his body, his presence in itself, makes Steve feel not so incomplete and cut off anymore. He can't help smiling at him every time he glances over at Bucky gritting his teeth, forcing himself to make it just a little bit farther.

Steve helps him sit at the bottom of a flight of stairs when he pushes himself a little too far a few days later. He keeps his arm around him, half afraid Bucky might fall over. Bucky doesn't complain and insist he's fine. He leans easily into Steve's side while he catches his breath and lets himself rest.

Barton walks by, humming one of those dance songs that's all about butts. He gives the two of them a curious looking over. Steve thinks they look pretty convincing, pressed so close together, but this is the first time Clint has laid eyes on Bucky outside of an old sepia-toned photograph.

"You gonna help Cap loosen up now that you've got your head back?" he asks him. "He's been a real douche throughout this whole Winter Soldier mess. I hope you've got some magic trick with your tongue or something to keep him in a better mood."

Steve's face goes red. Bucky wets his lips and winks at him. "I got lots of tricks with my tongue. Once I get out of the hospital I'll have him in such a good mood you'll wanna punch him. Just wait."

Natasha probably knows more about any tricks of Bucky's tongue than he ever will, but for the sake of appearances, Steve pats Bucky's ass where he hasn't taken his arm from around him. "Now, now, Buck. It's not fair to get me all excited when I can't drag you into a closet right this minute."

Clint looks like he deeply wishes he could unhear that. Maybe it was laying it on a little thick.

"I didn't know Cap could talk that way."

Bucky laughs, his expression one of perfect, open affection. He's good at this. Must be the spy in him. 

"That's 'cuz you know nothing about the man under the uniform. But I got stories."

Barton grins conspiratorially. "Keep this guy around, Cap. He could be fun."

Steve's arm tightens around Bucky's waist. "Don't worry. I don't plan on losing him again."

**

Walks around SHIELD turned to walks outside. The distant sound of gunfire on the outdoor shooting range triggers a memory and Bucky sinks onto a bench, hunching over with his face in his hands. 

Steve hovers over him. "Don't force it all down," Talk to someone, if you have to. SHIELD has therapists. You haven't said anything about what you've been through since you woke up."

It might be natural to put off facing something traumatic while the body is busy healing, but it's obvious Bucky isn't dealing with what happened to him. Steve doesn't want to see him channel it all into getting better so he can have revenge.

Bucky doesn't say anything, too busy looking lost and weighed down. Steve glances at the dozens of SHIELD personnel eating their lunches or going back and forth to the outdoor ranges. Natasha glances back at them and Steve doesn't doubt she can read what's wrong. He thinks a real lover would hold Bucky right about now.

"Hey..." Steve lowers himself to the bench and wraps his arms around him. Natasha comes toward them and Steve pulls Bucky close against his chest. "Hey, Bucky, just breathe. Just take it one day at a time."

"You can do this James," Natasha stands over them.

"Yeah he can," Steve agrees. He cradles the back of Bucky's head and hopes once again he isn't going overboard. "He's got me. If I have to tell him fifty times a day I will—nothing they made him do is going to change how I feel about him."

He kisses Bucky's forehead. Maybe that part's something Steve wouldn't ordinarily do, but it's nice to have an excuse to tell him things they normally wouldn't say to each other. 

Bucky does a fantastic job of melting against him, as if Steve has just said the exact thing he's been waiting to hear. He's so good at this pretending, he should have been a movie star.

**

SHIELD sees so many injuries the infirmary has its own rehab wing. They move Bucky into a homier suite there where Steve is sure he gets plenty of buttering up about the glories of joining SHIELD when Steve's not there. 

They want Bucky more than they wanted him, probably because they think he'll have an easier time with shades of gray.

It's taken for granted that Steve will want to stay with him, that they'll want to spend as little time apart as possible. There's no extra cot this time, and there's another explicit reminder from the doctor about no 'penetrative sex, oral sex, or anything likely to tire the Sergeant too much.' They'll have to find other ways to be intimate. 

Bucky's so committed to their ruse, he lays his head on Steve's chest at night despite the fact that no one would come in without knocking first. Steve follows his lead and puts his arms around him while Bucky sleeps, thinking that keeping up their cover around the clock must be how professional spies do it. 

It's not that much different from huddling for warmth in a freezing apartment, except instead of waking up to the demanding throb of Bucky's erection while he dreams about girls—or worse his own—he's drawn out of sleep by the sounds of Bucky throwing up in the bathroom when the nightmares hit.

When that happens, Steve coaxes him outside for air, quick to grab Bucky's hand the second he sees anyone. 

He decorates the walls of Bucky's room with drawings of the Commandoes and old Brooklyn, and when Bucky announces he's tired of hospital food, Steve takes him for his longest walk yet down to the cafeteria.

Tony and Bruce are eating together. Tony won't touch cafeteria food, and is devouring some healthy homecooked thing Bruce brought from home. 

They both look up. It's unsettling, the way Stark's eyes pass over Bucky like he's a toy he can't wait to tinker with. Steve knows he can't wait to get his hands on the arm.

"So this is the man? Tall Dark and Robotic? How many days until the hot reunion sex? You guys have a countdown going? Because I could make one. That would be fun, right? Add some digital confetti when it hits zero..." Bruce gives him a look. "What? Oh are we eating? Sorry, boys."

Steve slips an arm around Bucky's waist, stubbornly refusing to blush. "The countdown in my head works just fine."

Bucky's face widens with a grin and he rubs a hand over Steve's chest. "Better make sure you're ready too, 'cuz I got the serum now and you know what that means."

It's Steve's turn to grin at him, letting himself stare into Bucky's eyes. "I can take anything you've got." He's giddy all of a sudden. This is too easy, but flawless teamwork between them always was. 

"Yeah?" Bucky's eyes hold his like there's no one else in the room. "We'll see." 

His fingers curl in Steve's shirt and he leans in, pressing his mouth to Steve's. He knows Bucky's only doing it for show, but Steve's lips tingle with the contact and Bucky's stubble tickles and Steve's flushing all over at the idea of Bucky kissing him at all. It's embarrassing, but Steve wants to giggle the way Bucky's dates used to.

"Um, boys? Hello? Other people?"

Bucky lets go and Bruce motions for them to pull up a chair.

"So the Pepper has plans for you two." Tony starts in right away. "Friday night, little Stark Industry shindig. Charity event to keep our image shiny. She wants you two there. Kind of like a double date, only with chocolate fountains and a martini bar. And people."

Steve glances at Bucky. "Isn't it a little soon for parties?" Bucky hasn't even been to the coffee shop across the street yet.

"We have bathrooms to hide in and did I mention martini bar in case Winter Stud Muffin starts thinking too hard about killing the guests?" Stark holds up a hand before Steve can yell at him. "That's not being insensitive. Yours truly will be plotting many a murder even with the bar. You guys in?"

Bucky shrugs. "I gotta venture out of here sometime. And I got you to stop me if I go crazy, right, Steve?"

"You're not going to go crazy." Steve rubs his thigh where Bruce and Tony can see. "But yeah, you do. I'll make a point of mapping out all the places I can drag you if you need a break."

**

He knows showing up at a party pretending to be a couple is going too far even before the PR team gets involved. 

Steve's not sure how SHIELD got word of their Friday night plans, but he's watching TV with Bucky in his room that evening when a woman in a smart pencil skirt and jacket and two men in sharp suits come knocking on Bucky's door. All three carry electronic tablets because no one can bother writing anything down the normal way anymore.

"Stark Industry functions are highly publicized events," the woman informs them. "There's bound to be tabloids and reporters everywhere. Sergeant Barnes, this will be the first glimpse the nation gets of you alive. Get ready to be bombarded with requests for exclusive interviews—you'll be assigned your own PR agent for that."

Bucky looks a little sick. Steve draws himself up. "He's barely out of the hospital."

They ignore that and one of the men goes on. "The two of you will have to decide whether you want to be open about your romantic relationship or keep it secret. If you choose to be open about it, Captain Rogers, expect to be asked about nothing else for a good long while. It'll shake up quite a lot of people."

At a loss, Steve glances at Bucky, hoping their famous teamwork can silently avail them of a graceful way out of letting their lie get out of hand. But Bucky looks the man in the eye and says steadily, "I've been waiting for this too long to hide it. As long as my past doesn't tarnish Steve and he doesn't care, people can think whatever they want."

Steve blinks at that, not sure what Bucky's going for or what's he supposed to say. He can't contradict him without looking like a coward. If they really were together, it would anger him to have anyone think he's ashamed.

But they aren't together, and Steve thinks he sees what Bucky wants him to do—buy them time. "I'm worried Bucky's not ready for all the attention. I know what a strain the spotlight can be. We could use some time to talk it over."

**

They leave and Steve closes the door behind them. Now he's the one feeling panicky and sick. Lying to SHIELD to get around their pointless policies is one thing, lying to the entire nation is another

"There's gotta be some way out of this without either of us looking bad."

"What?" Bucky's puzzled, sitting on the loveseat. "You don't like fancy Stark parties?"

"Not really, but I like lying to the free world even less."

The measure of teasing in Bucky's voice drops away. "I don't expect you to cover for me about my past to the press. I just think I can do more good taking the enemy down than sitting in a prison."

"I don't care about the past. I'll lie, tell the truth—whatever it takes to keep you from being blamed. I'm talking about us."

Bucky turns off the TV. "You think SHIELD's gonna pressure you into hiding it? They probably think that's what you want because that's what people had to do when we were growing up, but I meant what I said. I'm not ashamed."

Bucky must have heard someone in the hall, the way he's keeping the ruse up. Steve opens the door and shakes his head, closing it again. 

"There's no one around. You can relax. We don't have to keep up the act for now."

"What act? I mean it, Steve."

Steve sighs. "We can't keep lying to people that we're together when we're not."

Bucky goes completely still. His eyes slowly find their way to Steve's face and his voice falters. "You were lying?"

Steve stares back at him in confusion. "You know we're not..." he starts to say, but the way Bucky's face falls stops him utterly short.

His first thought is that the doctors said they couldn’t predict how Bucky's memory would function after what Steve had done with the Cube, but then Steve remembers what Bucky said a few minutes ago.

 _I've been waiting for this too long to hide it._

Oh god. This was real for him. The devastation on Bucky's face says it all.

Steve struggles to swallow down the shock.

"Buck, I-"

Bucky slowly shakes his head, biting hard into his bottom lip in a brutal fight to push emotion down. "You were lying the whole time..." It's quiet, disbelieving. His voice shakes a little.

Steve takes a step closer. Jesus. He didn't know. "They weren't going to let-" 

Bucky's head comes up. The pain in his face cuts deep, but the anger in his eyes is worse. He draws a breath to pull himself together, yet his voice still quivers. 

"You know, Steve, falling off that train, all this shit that's in my head now because of what the Cube did—I don't hate you for any of that. But this...? This I think I do."

Steve feels like Hulk just punched him in the stomach. He didn't do it on purpose. If Bucky would just listen. The worst part is he can't stop the words that come out in response. He's never been good at knowing when to shut his mouth.

"Well I could be angry at you. You're the one who's been lying to _me._ "

Slowly, Bucky pushes to his feet. "You looking to get punched, Steve? I know you like that."

It's cold. What's he saying? That he wishes he hadn't spent all those years defending him now?

"I just wanted-"

"Get out. I don't wanna look at you."

Steve takes another step closer. "Bucky, come on..."

" _Get out!_ "

Bucky advances on him. He may not be bigger, but his metal fingers clench and the anger in his eyes reminds Steve that not long ago this was his ruthless, deadly enemy. 

It's terrifying, how quickly fifteen years of trust can be shattered, but if Bucky wants to be left alone, Steve has no choice but to respect his wishes and let him calm down.

**

He calls three times that night, but Bucky doesn't pick up the phone. Steve runs through every little thing Bucky's done these past couple of weeks that he took for part of the act—lying in Steve's arms at night, holding his hand in front of other people, the suggestive winks and promises about what Bucky would do with him once he got stronger. It wasn't an act for him. Steve thinks of the things he said and did back, sick with himself.

He turns over memories like strewn stones, trying to pinpoint when these desires of Bucky's might have started or how the hell he failed to notice. All he sees are Bucky and his damned girls and his overprotectiveness Steve used to take for pity in his worst moments. When or how doesn't matter though. The silence in the apartment is deafening, and it's like when Bucky died all over again—all Steve wants is to hear the sound of his voice.

**

He tries to visit Bucky the next morning. A nurse stops him in the hall and informs him Bucky doesn't want to see him.

The hurt must show in Steve's face. She pats him on the arm and makes an effort to reassure him.

"I don't know the details of how he survived, but I can see it's bad. It's not a shock he would want to withdraw. There's bound to be bad days. Give him some space, Cap."

Steve bites his lip. She's too sympathetic. It doesn't occur to her _he_ might be the reason Bucky doesn't want to see him. Not Captain America.

**

Bucky won't see him the next day either. On the third day, Steve delivers lunch from a gourmet deli two blocks away, and a note asking Bucky to please call him.

"Flowers might cheer him up," the aid at the front desk suggests. "Or maybe a stuffed toy. It works when my boyfriend does it."

Steve shakes his head, pretty sure Bucky would take that for mocking him. 

He just needs time to calm down.

**

The doctors must have cleared Bucky for light exercise. Steve walks by the gym and catches him going through the motions of sparring with Natasha, apparently just getting the feel of his limbs again. He's still weak and misses a step. Natasha's bare foot connects with his jaw.

"Ow!" Bucky rubs his face and wobbles with the impact.

Her face is sympathetic, but she's not one to coddle. "The past isn't going to get any easier, James. You have to push it away and keep your head in the fight."

His laugh is flat. "Hey, who trained who first."

"Whom," Natasha corrects. "It's a good thing you weren't the be all and end all of my English lessons." She takes his arm, pulling him down on a bench before he falls. "You're distracted." She sits next to him. "What's the matter, James?"

Bucky rubs a hand over his face. When he doesn't immediately answer 'nothing' Steve knows he's eavesdropping. Maybe it's unfair, but he's jealous of how Bucky doesn't hesitate to pour out his heart to her.

"This whole thing about me and Steve being together is a lie. Steve just said that so he could see me in the hospital."

"Could have fooled me," Natasha shrugs. If she's surprised Steve would tell a lie like that, it doesn't show in her face. 

"Yeah? That's the problem. It fooled me too. I was half out of it when he first said anything and I don't know what I thought—that finding out I was alive sent him into this big revelation or something." Bucky sighs, sounding beyond tired. "He never said anything about it all being a lie, but it was my fault for being stupid. Forget that I'm a guy, who'd want to feel a cold robot arm wrapped around them, or someone SHIELD has to set up with a whole army of shrinks?" He shakes his head at himself. "Look at me trying to have something normal. I don't know why I'm upset about it when it's the least of my problems.  
I should just accept that it's better if I'm alone and concentrate on what's important."

Natasha rolls her eyes. "You're moping over a boy, James. If you don't stop, we'll have to binge on ice cream."

Steve inches away. He's never felt so cruel in his life. The last thing he would ever want is to do something to make Bucky feel like this. It's the last thing he needs after everything he's been through. 

At the same time, Steve wants to put his arms around him until he stops being such an idiot.

**

Steve waits for him to come out of the gym showers. Bucky's bare to the waist with a towel around his shoulders to catch the water from his hair. He smells like soap and shampoo and it's probably wrong, but Steve's eyes trace swells of muscle and the dark hair on Bucky's chest now that it feels like he's been invited to do it.

He makes himself look away.

"Can I talk to you? Maybe we could get something to eat?"

Bucky's lips press together in a red line and Steve thinks about that brief kiss in front of Tony and how that was real too.

"Can't." There's nothing friendly in Bucky's voice. "Gotta go see Fury."

"Afterward? I wanna talk to you."

"There's no point, Steve. Let's just go to Stark's party and put on a good face. Soon enough I'll be halfway around the world putting bullets in people who deserve it and you can tell everyone we called it quits because the job got in the way. Happens to couples all the time now, right?"

The words are a kick to the stomach. Good thing Steve has so much practice taking a blow. Yet he forces himself to remain undaunted and says with false cheer, "I'll see you tomorrow night, then."

**

There's cameras everywhere. The sight of Captain America holdings hands with another man sets off a flurry of flashes. Murmurs start up all around the room and Steve catches a "looks just like that Bucky Barnes" from an elderly couple who would remember his face. Phones are checked to make the comparison via internet searches and it's not long before the camera crews realize they're indeed laying eyes on Captain America's dead partner in the flesh.

Bucky hardly looks at him. The grip of his hand had more affection in it when he was in a coma.

Steve tries to be a good date nonetheless. He gets Bucky a martini and a plate of hors d'oeuvres. The harder he tries though, the more Bucky seems to think he's doing it for the cameras and the colder he gets. It's hard to smile when they're asked for pictures when Steve feels like he's managed to lose his best friend just after getting him back from thinking him seventy years in his icy, alpine grave.

"Do you wanna dance?" He asks once Bucky finishes his food. 

Bucky shakes his head. "If anyone asks, you can tell them I'm too weak still. They'll believe you."

They would. Steve's had to steady him a couple of times tonight. But he's stubborn and insists. "I think we should dance."

Bucky downs the last of his drink. "I'll get over it, Steve. My head's not on straight. I probably don't even know what I want and was just trying to cling to something familiar."

It hurts to be reduced to a crutch, but the sad thing is, Steve doesn't think Bucky meant to wound. He's just left him shaken and uncertain about everything he feels now. Knowing he loves him must have been the one thing Bucky was sure was all him, in the aftermath of being completely unmade and controlled for so long. 

"Buck..." Steve tries to put a hand on his shoulder, but Bucky shakes him off.

"I said I'll get over it. I need to sit down."

He weaves his way through the crowd toward the doors leading onto the balcony. Steve watches him, feeling like ten kinds of asshole for kicking a man when he was down and leading him on even as he panics that he'll never get to hold his hand again. It's confusing and it hurts.

No wonder these things drive people to drink.

"Uhh... _that_ didn't look like a 'come get it if you want it' exit." Tony comes up behind him. "Problem, Cap?"

"Yeah," Steve doesn't turn from what he can still see of Bucky's retreating figure. "I'm an idiot." 

He starts after him, elbowing through the crowd as politely as possible. Bucky's standing against the wall with his arms folded, looking out over the railing at the lit-up New York skyline. Steve knows he hears him coming, but Bucky doesn't turn.

"You have to give me a break here," Steve starts in on him anyway. "A lot of things have come as a shock to me lately that I'm still trying to process. You being alive and what they did to you, for one."

Bucky's laugh is hollow. "Just be glad the blood's not on your hands."

All right. It was an insensitive thing to say, considering what Bucky has to live with. "I meant-"

"You could have told me it was all a lie before I made an idiot of myself."

"Well how was I supposed to know how you felt when all I remember is you going to bed with half the girls in town?" And the nurses on base, and girls in every village.

"They got a fancy word for it now, Steve. It's called 'bisexual'." Bucky unfolds his arms and shifts his feet. "You could of said it was just a game."

"I know that." Steve tries to be patient. He could have corrected the misunderstanding with Fury too and pointed to where Bucky is listed as his next of kin in the old military records. "But I want you to know that all I cared about was getting to see you so you knew you weren't alone. I didn't think about my own feelings."

The words sap some of Bucky's anger. He lowers his head, biting his bottom lip. "I appreciate that," he says to the ground.

It gives Steve enough encouragement to go on. "When you told me it was real for you, it caught me off guard. I just needed a little time to think."

Bucky goes back to folding his arms. "Not much to think about if you haven't thought about it before."

Now he's just being an ass. Or too many doubts have crept in.

"I have thought about it. I got fed up real fast with people noticing the costume and the body and not me. I thought about it every time one of you guys tried to push me toward whatever girl was throwing herself at me. I was happier where I was, spending time with you, because I knew if the body and the costume were gone it wouldn't make a difference, because that's what kind of man you are. I just didn't know the way I felt meant I was-" Steve falters on the word.

"Queer?" Bucky supplies with a great deal of doubt.

"In love." Steve takes a step closer, like he's throwing a gauntlet down.

He watches Bucky struggle with that. His head comes up abruptly. "Have you even gone out with anyone while you thought I was dead?"

"I tried, but the job kept me too busy."

Because he threw himself into the job on purpose, to keep his mind off the things he couldn't have back. Bucky has no trouble reading that in his words and it only fuels his skepticism. 

"You ever been with a girl, Steve?"

What's Bucky trying to say? That he has to sleep with the right number of people to have what he wants taken seriously? "I'm still waiting for the right partner. I've been told the modern world is supposed to accept what a person wants to do with their body. Sleeping with just anyone isn't my idea of a good time. I wish people would respect that."

Bucky sighs and his shoulders sag. Steve hopes he's wearing him down. "I do. I just don't want..." He shakes his head again. "Forget it. I'm probably not even ready."

Steve steps close enough to lay a hand on his shoulder. "You'll get there." He takes Bucky's hand and, gathering his courage, strokes the back of it with his thumb. He watches Bucky's face, the way his lips quirk up involuntarily. "Now can I have a dance? This is the first time I've actually asked anybody."

**

There's a slow, modern song playing. Since he was the one to ask, Steve assumes he's supposed to be the one to lead. Bucky's stiff in his arms, but Steve pretends to ignore that as he concentrates on not stepping on his feet. 

"This is nice."

Bucky huffs a laugh, holding his body back so they don't touch any more than they have to. "Trying to convince yourself?"

Steve turns him with the music. "Trying to convince _you._ But I'm not sure how this whole wooing thing works. Wanna help me out?"

Bucky wets his lips, flushed red from the drink he had earlier. "You let the person know what you want. It's up to the other person to tell you to stop or keep going."

"All right..." Bucky's issuing a challenge. Steve turns them once more, watching where he puts his feet as he searches for words that might have an impact. "I want you to be happy. I want you to know you deserve to put the past behind you and do whatever you want with your life. I want you to know that no matter what, I'm here for you."

There's a nervous tightness in the pit of Steve's stomach. He feels exposed talking like this, but Bucky isn't impressed. "Sounds like my SHIELD therapists."

Swallowing the sting of that, Steve tries harder. He's no good at this. "I want us to trust each other like we always have, even though I couldn't save you back in the war."

That doesn't work either. "That's just guilt talking, Steve."

Dammit what does Bucky want? He feels like he's stripping himself bare here. The nervous knot in Steve's stomach tightens. "I liked lying next to you when you were in the hospital. I stopped being angry that I was still alive." That gets Bucky to look up at him. Hoping he's not pushing his luck, Steve pulls him a little closer and Bucky's thigh brushes his. "It was hard not to stare every time you got out of the shower, and right now I'm thinking about what it would be like to touch you. I wish I knew what drives you crazy so you'd let go of being pissed at me and we could move past this part."

They're close enough now that Steve can feel Bucky's heartbeat pick up against him. It sends a thrill through Steve's body and Bucky's eyes come up to meet his, but he's not ready to give in.

"So let go with me."

It's another challenge. Steve glances around the crowded room, but his eyes stray back to Bucky's mouth, red and full and set in more of a pout than usual. He thinks about the number of times he's sketched it, taking extra care with his pencil to get the curve of Bucky's lips just right. He raises his gaze to Bucky's eyes, shadowed with memories and lack of sleep but bright grayish-blue. It's hard not to drown a little and Steve has never felt like such an idiot for missing the obvious for so long. He leans down and covers Bucky's mouth with his.

It's a light kiss, just a test to see whether Bucky likes it. He pulls back to see the surprised look in Bucky's eyes. Warmth floods Steve's chest. Bucky moves a little closer and Steve's body tightens with anticipation. 

He curls a hand under Bucky's jaw and then it's a real kiss. Bucky's hands slide up his arms to his shoulders and Steve's cock starts to throb.

He knows Bucky can feel it. He's not exactly sure what Bucky wants, but he doesn't think he's supposed to pull away. Bucky makes a sound against Steve's mouth and presses his hips to his, giving a little grind of his body with the music so Steve can feel him half hard too.

It's sharp, the excitement shooting through him. The nervousness gets lost beneath it and Steve's mouth slides from Bucky's lips to his ear.

"How about doing this with less of an audience?"

Bucky nods against his cheek. Steve takes his hand—it's become such a habit by now—and leads him through the crowd. They take a taxi to Steve's apartment, and the second they get in the door, Steve pulls him close again, kissing him harder and steering him toward the couch.

They kiss there for a long time. Steve shoves Bucky flat on his back with a hand on his chest and straddles his thighs. Bucky doesn't put his hands on him much, but he kisses back. They kiss until Bucky pulls away, flushed but still unsure.

"No need to rush. Don't do this just to prove something."

Steve nuzzles Bucky's stubbly jaw and works to get his belt open. Bucky laughs.

"You sure you're not just horny?"

Steve pops the button on Bucky's jeans. "I'm happy my life just got a whole lot simpler." He gets his fingers around Bucky's dick and gives it a squeeze. This at least feels like familiar territory. He's touched himself enough times.

Bucky moans, then rasps out, "Why's that?"

"Because..." Steve's thumb rubs the head of Bucky's cock, wet with precome. "I don't have to worry about never finding someone where things are like they are with you." His fist slides up and down Bucky's dick and Bucky just closes his eyes and moans again. "I just didn't know we could have this too." 

"Yeah?" Bucky thrusts into his grip. "Still think you're moving a little fast."

"Maybe."

He shoves Bucky's jeans off his hips, grips the base of his cock, and takes it in his mouth.

Bucky cries out. His metal hand grips Steve's hair and his hips jerk up again. It's not hard to figure out what to do from there. Steve goes along with the rhythm of Bucky's hips and lets Bucky thrust in and out of his mouth until his fist is clenching in his hair and Steve's swallowing the hot spurts of his release.

He wipes his mouth and pushes himself up on all fours. Bucky's eyes are closed and he's having trouble catching his breath.

"How was that?"

Bucky blinks, wrung out underneath him. "You want me to grade you?" He's being sarcastic, but Steve nods. "All right. A- for enthusiasm, C for technique."

Steve opens his mouth, but the tiniest quirk of Bucky's lips gives away that he's teasing.

"Do I get another chance to improve?"

He gets something closer to an actual smile this time. "If you want, but enthusiasm counts for more."

Smiling, Steve leans down for a kiss. Bucky's mouth opens under his and it's not until his metal fingers are opening his pants that Steve remembers to ask, "Has SHIELD, uh, cleared you for active duty, Sergeant?"

Bucky's too busy shoving Steve's pants down to care much about his delicate health. "They said to wait a couple of weeks. I have to pass a bunch of stress tests before they let me do anything fun."

"Bucky!" Steve pulls back. "You need to be careful. They said the Cube should have killed you."

"What?" Bucky's fingers curl around him. "My life has gone to shit, Steve. Let me have something good."

"All right..." It's hard to argue when Bucky's fingertip is rubbing an amazingly sensitive place on the underside of his cock. "But let's take it easy."

That's easier said than done when Bucky's hard again. He takes both their cocks in the warm, calloused grip of his real hand and lets Steve thrust and slide against him while he kisses Steve hard enough to bruise.

**

'Taking it easy' means sticking to kissing and learning things about Bucky's body and how he likes to be touched that Steve never knew. But the minute Bucky announces the doctors have cleared him to resume his normal physical activities, Steve has him up against the wall in the nearest deserted conference room with his pants open and his cock down Steve's throat, and after a few discreet internet searches he'd like to think he's doing better on technique.

The rest they save for home. Steve thinks they should make a romantic evening of it, and they try. There's dinner and lots of slow foreplay and words said that could have been said a long time ago, but in the end Steve winds up face down on the mattress with his ass in the air, pleasure crashing through his body in waves, begging Bucky to fuck him harder and harder until he forgets what year it is.

Afterward, Steve lies awed and shaken by the revelation that there are nerve endings inside him capable of producing sensations that intense. He has to admit in the haze of it, it's kind of turned his world upside down. 

Bucky holds him close and rubs his back to slow his breathing the way he used to through the panic after an asthma attack.

Steve smiles up at him where his head is on Bucky's chest. "There's a lot of things I'd like to try, but we can save the crazier stuff for later. For now, I think we should agree on a story to tell everyone about how we got together all those years ago. I was thinking we should say you first kissed me when I was twelve. I think that sounds pretty romantic."

Bucky laughs and smooths his hair. "Why? I think the truth about you being an idiot and kind of an ass is funnier. It humanizes your image."

Steve rolls his eyes and wonders how long it will take before Bucky lets him live that down.

"About those tricks with your tongue..." Steve changes the subject. 

Bucky gives him his familiar smirk. "Still waiting to see if I can trust you with my feelings. I'm not easy, Steve."

Steve shakes his head. "How long you gonna milk this, Buck?"

"For as long as it works." 

He pulls the covers up and Steve tries hard not to pinch him.


End file.
